


"...Fuck me!"  "...I thought you'd never ask."

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Has a Penis (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Good at Cunnilingus (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Innocent (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Oblivious (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Tease (Good Omens), Bottom Crowley (Good Omens), Bovine manure, Caring Aziraphale (Good Omens), Cowshit, Crowley Has A Vulva (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley has Blue Screen Of Death, Crowley is Bad at Flirting (Good Omens), Crowley's Bentley (Good Omens), Crowley's brain makes the Windows Shutdown Noise, Crowley.exe has stopped working, F/M, M/M, Making Out in the Bentley (Good Omens), No beta we fall like Crowley, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Quote: Ngk (Good Omens), Sex in the Bentley (Good Omens), Top Aziraphale (Good Omens), crowley is oblivious, literal bullshit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:29:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24445846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: From a prompt on twitter by @stan_gaiman:Your Good Omens scenario of the day: One of Crowley’s wiles comes back to bite him in the arse.“Fuck me!” he exclaims at the minor inconvenience.Aziraphale sighs. “Thought you’d never ask.”Crowley gets, well... exactly what he asked for.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 76
Kudos: 509
Collections: Crack Fic Comedy Porn





	"...Fuck me!"  "...I thought you'd never ask."

**Author's Note:**

  * For [theycallmeDernhelm (onyourleft084)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyourleft084/gifts).



> [TheyCallMeDernhelm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/onyourleft084/pseuds/theycallmeDernhelm) has the best prompts that keep inspiring me to write more ineffable crap, so have a smutty oneshot.

Crowley glared at the herd of cows surrounding the Bentley in the darkened narrow country lane. 

“NotOnThePaintworkNotOnThePaintworkNotOnThePaintwork…” he muttered desperately, as cowshit-encrusted tails lashed up against the windows leaving stinking green smears. A curious bovine paused to lick at the wing mirror and Crowley hissed at it threateningly. It merely gazed at him serenely and carried on. 

It hadn’t been his best idea to give the entire village a power cut in petty retribution for “someone giving him a funny look” in the pub. 

It turned out that electric fencing to keep cows contained kind of needs power to keep running… 

And now, while they were trying to drive home, the local cows had discovered that they were no longer constrained by the zap and sizzle of an electric fence, and had decided to go for a little explore of the surrounding area. 

Aziraphale tried to conceal a grin. 

Crowley endeavoured to reverse back up the lane a little and pulled into a layby, trying to give the cows room to get past, but instead, finding the Bentely rather interesting, and apparently tasty, they just followed him and carried on licking. 

Crowley happened to catch Aziraphale’s expression and grumbled. 

“If the next words to leave your mouth are anything even  _ remotely  _ to do with ‘evil containing the seeds of its own destruction’ then you’re  _ walking  _ home, Angel.”

“I never said a word,” Aziraphale murmured smugly. 

“No, you just thought it very loudly,” groused Crowley. It was getting dark and one of the cows decided to use a headlight to scratch an itch on its backside, nudging the headlamp out of alignment so now it beamed up into the night sky. Crowley sighed and flicked the lights off. He’d have to wait for the herd to clear then get out and adjust it back again. 

Another cow lifted its tail and squirted a stream of manure up the front wing. 

“Fuck me!” Groaned Crowley. 

“Thought you’d never ask,” sighed Aziraphale. 

Which rather abruptly dragged the demon’s attention away from events on the exterior of the vehicle, and with sharp focus, into events on the interior. His head swivelled as if on smoothly oiled bearings, to gaze, wide eyed and slack jawed, at the innocent looking angel in his passenger seat. 

“I… what…?” He stammered, weakly, unable to comprehend what his ears had just relayed to his brain. 

The corner of Aziraphale’s mouth quirked into a sly grin as he repeated himself. “I said - I thought you’d never ask, Crowley.” He held the demon’s gaze, one eyebrow raised suggestively, and waited for Crowlely to process this information. 

Crowley’s CPU short circuited. 

“Wstph?”

“I’m assuming you wanted to. I mean you do keep inviting me out to dinner, like the delectable fare at the pub this evening, and got all protective over me when that unpleasant man gave us those horrible judgemental looks earlier. It was rather sweet really. You appear to have been inviting me out on rather more dates than usual since Armageddon, Crowley.”

“...Dates?”

“Well, weren’t they? They have been rather more romantic of late.”

“Um…” Crowley had to admit, that was what he’d been intending, but he was thoroughly conflicted over whether he actually wanted Azirpahale to realise they were dates or not. “...Yes?”

“Excellent. So: when were you planning on kissing me, dear?”

“Ngk.”

“Very well, allow me?” Aziraphale twisted in his seat to face Crowley and met his gaze head on, drawing a little closer. Crowley nodded mutely. Cows very much forgotten. 

Aziraphale closed the gap between them and brought their lips together. Crowley, more highly strung than a violin on Mount Everest, felt the tension dissipate from his body and he almost melted into a little snakey puddle where he sat. He might have done, if it hadn’t been for the angel’s strong arms encircling him and holding him upright.

Crowley relaxed into the kiss, which was deep, thorough and decidedly passionate, allowing the angel’s tongue free rein to explore his own until his mind was curiously blank like it was filled with cotton wool. Feeling Aziraphale’s hands beginning to wander over his body, he gathered up the courage to allow his own to return the favour, seeking out the warmest softest parts of the angel that he’d always yearned to touch, to find out if they really were as soft as he’d always imagined. 

They were. Well, most of them at any rate, with one rather notable exception which was definitely hard and growing harder by the second. A surprised “mmph” attempted to escape Crowley’s lips but was swiftly consumed in the kiss by the angel, whose own hands sought out the same area of the demon’s anatomy with a questing caress. 

Crowley bucked against the warmth of his hand on instinct, and Aziraphale smiled into the kiss for a moment before lifting his lips off and gazing at the demon with a smirk. “Wearing a vulva today, are we?” Crowley bit at his lip with a nod and rubbed his hips up a bit harder against the angel’s hand, seeking friction there. 

“‘S a bit easier with the tight jeans sometimes,” he shrugged. 

“Delightful, do these seats recline, Crowley?”

They didn’t, but a quick miracle changed that, and suddenly the pair of them were flat out, and Crowley was struggling out of the confines of his jeans with desperate serpentine wriggles. Aziraphale gazed down at his lithely sinuous form and made short work of divesting himself of his own clothing with a quick miracle, until Crowley’s gaze fell upon the angel’s leaking cock and hastily followed suit. He grabbed Aziraphale’s shoulders and dragged him down on top of him, hooking a leg around his hip to encourage him closer with a needy whine. 

Aziraphale tutted and after a quick kiss, drew back a little, Crowley’s strength no match for his own. He rolled on his side next to the demon and allowed his hand to stroke low down Crowley’s lean belly to the nest of copper curls between his legs, then gently teased at his delicate folds, causing Crowley to whimper and roll his head back, eyes closing and lips parted. He clutched at the angel’s shoulder desperately with one hand, and at his own thigh with the other. 

Those angelic hands were devilishly skilled, and Crowley wondered for a fleeting moment where Azirpahale had learned such sinful manoeuvres, before those wickedly clever fingers chased the thought from his mind with a shudder and a definite increase in the wetness between his legs. 

“So ready for me, aren’t you dear?” Aziraphale praised, lowering his head to kiss at Crowley’s thigh reverently. His inner hedonist shone through and he couldn’t resist dipping lower for a taste of that sweetness. His tongue lapped eagerly, delicate at first and then firmer, delving deep then flicking up and over Crowley’s firm pink clit, and circling it with delightful pressure. 

Crowley’s breaths were coming in short gasps and he wound his hands into the angel’s feather soft hair. Aziraphale, however, needed no encouragement to get down to a thorough tasting experience between the demon’s thighs, licking and sucking, and then bringing two fingers up to press deeper and beckon the most beautiful soft cries from Crowley’s lips. 

Aziraphale’s own need was rising sharply, but he held himself in check until he felt Crowley shuddering under his touch, tensing, arching up with a strained cry and then melting down, languid and boneless onto the leather. Aziraphale smiled to himself and slid up the demon’s hot and flushed body to meet his lips in a messy kiss. “Ready for more, darling?” He whispered into Crowley’s ear, his voice pitched low and husky. Crowley moaned in response and nodded eagerly, past coherent speech. 

The angel moved himself until he was between Crowley’s spread thighs, and teased at his slit with the leaking tip of his cock, their combined wetness creating a delicious slippery slide of hot flesh against each other, and drew another bone deep shudder from the prone demon, twitching in aftershocks as it was. He raised his head to gaze at his resplendent angel, and his eyes widened at the unexpected girth nestled between their legs. He licked his lips eagerly and his golden eyes flicked up to meet Aziraphale’s with unspoken need, and an urgent nod. 

Aziraphale decided to stop teasing Crowley and braced his hands either side of his head on the reclined seat, kissed him deeply then slid forth. The hot wet tightness indescribable, he struggled to avoid just coming right then and there, and paused to bite down on his lip and try to restrain himself. He took a moment, fully sheathed, before proceeding to rock his hips. 

Never in his life had he fought so hard to refrain from blaspheming, as surely the litany of expletives vying to be uttered by his angelic lips would be thrice cursed to be enunciated while balls deep in a demon, taking his pleasure from such a sinful creature. But Aziraphale was past caring by this point. Fuck heaven, fuck hell, and fuck it all, he was going to fuck his demon until the sun came up if he wanted, and scream out any swear word he felt like during the process. 

Crowley was writhing underneath him, thrusting back up with supple hips to meet every thrust, demanding more with his body - more, harder, faster, deeper, more of everything the angel could give him, the glorious stretch and the pounding just this side of brutal coupled with the fevered but passionate kisses interspersing those thrusts. He clawed at Aziraphale’s back desperately, wrapped his long limbs around his angelic lover and cried out his name with every impact of skin on skin. 

Aziraphale felt sharp teeth nipping at his neck and returned the favour, licking and biting at Crowley’s beautiful throat, marking it as his own, greedy and lustful in a way he’d never allowed himself to be before. Crowlely’s nails scratching red welts into his back drove him to new heights of urgency and he felt his impending orgasm boiling up in the core of his being, quivering and coiled ready to explode, every muscle tense and white hot until he couldn’t hold back any longer. 

“Crowley…!” was all he could manage before unloading his pent up lust deep within the demon’s welcoming depths with twitching spurts, dragging Crowley over the same cliff edge of ecstasy with a tortured wail and hissing through gritted teeth as his pussy tightened around the angel’s pulsing cock in waves of pleasure. 

Crowley gradually untensed and allowed his limbs to go loose, welcoming Aziraphale’s comforting weight down on top of him, still sunk deep within him, and pressing loving kisses to Crowley’s neck with murmured words of affection. Crowley idly stroked Aziraphale’s soft pale locks and kissed him back in turn, content and loved. 

“Aziraphale…?” He managed at last, breathless. 

“Yes, love?”

“What the hell brought that on? I mean it was definitely something I’d been hoping for for, well, forever really, but what prompted the sudden… y’know… stuff?”

Aziraphale laughed and kissed his cheek fondly. “You said ‘fuck me’ and it was just too much of a good opportunity to pass up really.”

“Oh…,” Crowley said, mildly surprised. “Well… fuck me.”

“Again?”

“Definitely.”


End file.
